Too many couples only talk about sex when they’re having it, or not at all, and Johnson believes this is a missed opportunity. “We don’t have a lot of communication practice outside the stereotypical sitcom thing where the person says, ‘A little bit more to the left!’” Johnson suggests building a practice of fluidly discussing desire. “If a couple is having hard and fast, porn-style penetration over and over and they don’t want that, yet they haven’t ever practiced saying what they do want, they’ll feel stuck.” Johnson says “I’m not in the mood” can often mean “I’m not in the mood for the kind of sex we’re having,” and that opening up the discussion is important for changing it.

Dr. Donaghue agrees you have to be willing to share honestly what is and isn’t working, even if you don’t know the solution. “Intimacy is really about vulnerability,” he says. “So say what’s hard to [...]